A Big Piece of Earwax
by Louiswuenator
Summary: Due to a large mass in Fry's ear, events play out quite differently on Fry's mission to infiltrate the Infosphere.  Alternate take on "The Why of Fry."  Leela x Bender.


_Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates that some of that was supposed to happen but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation._

- Gary Gygax

A Big Piece of Earwax

By Louiswuenator

**In The Future…**

Philip Fry is held immobile in a web of sticky tendrils. Of course, as soon as his mind became conscious of the fact that he could not move, the itching began. He feels the urge to scratch his butt in particular. Some slimy substance has somehow managed to penetrate his space suit and squeeze into his underpants. Since he had come to the future he had had a whole gamut of disgusting fluids work their way into his butt crack, but he didn't mind too much. He is used to it by now. The future is a strange place.

Fry's view is dominated by the presence of a gigantic brain encased in a metal shell. Other, smaller brains float in and out of his peripheral vision. The floating brains glow ethereal shades of blue and violet, casting strange shadows over this peculiar environment. Apparently, these entities are Fry's mortal enemies and he is the sole person in the Universe who has the power to resist their mental attacks. Whole stellar civilizations had fallen to the evil Brain-spawn, and they had been planning to destroy the entire Universe next.

_At least that's what those stupid, little three-eyed rats told me,_ Fry thinks. _And who knows if they were telling me the truth or not. I mean, they were the reason that I fell into – No, got _pushed_ into that freezer tube in the first place!_

Fry feels a surge of anger flood through him. In his mind he curses the Nibblonians and their underhanded, scheming ways. For years one of their kind who called himself Nibbler had posed as a simple house pet to get in close, deceiving them all; especially Leela, who had taken Nibbler into her home.

_I wonder what Leela is doing right now,_ Fry thinks idly.

The last time he had seen her was back on Earth, her arms around the shoulders of that arrogant jerk, Chaz. Fry had currently been engaged in the monumental task of cleaning up a dense ball of dark matter that Nibbler had excreted on his walk. Fry's fortunes had tumbled downhill from there. First he had received a ticket from URL for failing to scoop the poop quick enough. Shortly afterward he had learned that Nibbler was actually sentient, could speak fluent English and could knock him out cold with a single punch form his tiny fist. He had been kidnapped, taken to the Nibblonian's home planet and told of his mission to infiltrate a deadly installation called the Infosphere.

The Brain-spawn had constructed the Infosphere over the course of a thousand years, all the while scanning every bit of information that they could into its massive data banks. Once that task was complete, the brains would use the installation to destroy the universe, ensuring that no new information could arise. Fry had foiled their plans. His unique brainwave signature made him invisible to the Brain-spawn, allowing him to sneak inside the Infosphere without being detected. Then, using a "quantum interface bomb" supplied by the Nibblonians, he had blown the space station into an alternate universe from which there is no escape. His universe was saved, thanks to Fry, but he had been unable to flee the Infosphere before being transported over as well. His Scooty-Puff Jr. hover bike had fallen to pieces in his arms, leaving him trapped inside.

During his final seconds in that universe, the Brain-spawn had shown Fry how the Nibblonians had used him. How Nibbler himself had caused Fry to fall into the cryogenic tube in the year 1999, freezing him for a thousand years. "What is one life weighed against the entire Universe?" The question Nibbler had asked him moments before the bomb exploded rang hollow in his ears still. After the transport, Fry had considered the grim prospect of spending the rest of his life in this stupid place. However, the brains had other ideas.

Movement in the corner of his eye breaks Fry from his reverie. A ghostly arm rises from beneath the giant brain and begins to type furiously at a keyboard on a console located conveniently at the top of the giant brain itself. The brains are attempting to send Fry back to his old universe so that he can stop Nibbler from freezing him. How this transport would work had been explained to Fry, but he just tuned most of it out. _Something about a "Lexus-point between universes" or something like that,_ Fry had thought. He didn't waste too much energy trying to understand what was going on around him. The way he figured it, his job was to act and let others do the thinking. They were better at it than he. Besides, the Universe had an uncanny way of keeping him safe – for the most part.

Fry's attention is drawn back to the clacking sound of the keystrokes. "I hope your calculations are correct," he says.

One of the brains answers him in its strange, monotone voice. "Our calculations are always correct. For we are gigantic brains."

_Smart-ass_, Fry thinks. He is about to say so when a memory floats up from the creaking depths of his mind. _Oh yeah, they don't have asses. If I said anything, they'd probably just make me look like an ass. Ha ha, ass. Kind of a funny sounding word. Ass. Ass. Ass-_

Fry is broken out of his plodding thoughts yet again as another brain speaks loudly. "Initiate space-time transfer!" The gigantic brain moves its ghostly hand over to a switch on the console and throws it to the "on" position. A beam of energy shoots out of the gigantic brain and strikes Fry in the chest.

Fry feels as though his body is turning inside out; as though his stomach is trying to eat _him_. He feels like all of the fluids in his body are being forced out through every pore and orifice. Surprisingly, the sensation isn't painful so much as shocking, and he tries to scream. The sound comes from all parts of his body at once, sounding muffled and strangely like water sloshing around in a saucepan. His body folds in on itself with a "pop" and then he is gone.

After a beat, one of the brains speaks up. "Well, can we sing American Pie _now_?"

The other brains groan.

**December 31****st**** – 1999**

Nibbler paces back and forth underneath a desk in the cryogenic storage room, awaiting the arrival of his charge: The Mighty One, Philip J. Fry. This is a dangerous mission. _These idiotic humans are violent and unpredictable. They will probably kill me if they see what I look like. I must freeze him quickly and leave this planet. This mission has too many variables that can go wrong, and yet it is possibly the most important mission any Nibblonian has ever undertaken._ Nibbler's chest swells with pride as he considers this last sentiment. He is interrupted as the door to the cryo room opens. Nibbler peeks under the desk to see Fry enter, carrying a pizza box and a six pack of beer. Fry moves into the room and wipes some condensation from one of the freezer tubes. Nibbler silently crawls on all fours in order to keep his gaze on the subject.

Fry turns around and addresses the room. "Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh… I. C. Wiener? Aw, crud! I always thought by this point in my life _I'd_ be the one making the crank calls."

Just after Fry said, "Aw, crud," Nibbler hears a strange noise come from behind. Before he can react he feels hands close around his body in a tight grip, immobilizing him. A familiar voice says, "Gotcha!" The hands turn him around until he is face to face with what appears to be an exact copy of Philip Fry, who is wearing a space suit of Nibblonian design. _How is this possible?_

"I don't understand," says Nibbler in confusion.

"Yes, you do," says Fry angrily. "You came back in time to knock me into that freezer and now _I_ came back in time to stop you." Fry emphasizes the last part by pointing a finger at Nibbler.

Nibbler shakes his head. "I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability."

Fry pauses for a beat. "But… I know you in the future. I-I cleaned your poop."

"Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers. You will meet me when I am a thousand years older."

"Not if you don't freeze me."

Fry's past self slams the pizza box down on the desk in frustration, sits down in a chair and puts his feet up on the desk. Nibbler turns back to look at Fry.

"Please. Our sages foresee that in a thousand years, for one moment, the fate of the Universe will depend on you. Since you will not live that long, I must freeze you now." He speaks this last sentence in a grave voice.

"Well, why couldn't you just ask me?"

"We were afraid you would refuse."

"Of course not. I love the future." After speaking, Fry begins to strangle Nibbler.

"Then why are you choking me right now," Nibbler asks with difficulty.

"Because I… don't… like… being… used." Fry accentuates each word with a tightening of his grip before placing the tiny alien on the floor and releasing him. Nibbler massages his neck for a moment before speaking.

"Well, it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving?"

Fry considers this for a moment. "Hm. Leela. But… she doesn't think much of me."

"Ah, she must be the Other."

At this instant, Fry feels a sharp pain in his ear and jams his finger up it, wriggling around to find the source of the pain. Nibbler watches in interest. After a moment, fry extracts his finger and flicks a large yellow mass from it. "Stupid ear boogers," he mumbles to himself. He returns his attention to Nibbler. "Wait, what did you say about Leela? She's the other what?"

Just then Past Fry begins to lose his balance, but Future Fry grabs a leg of the chair, preventing it from tipping over. Somehow, the air in the room feels different to Future Fry, but he is not able to contemplate this before Nibbler replies to his question.

"I cannot go into that now, but you must not give up on her, Fry. I came here from a world called Vergon Six. If you choose to return to the future, I will arrange to have myself transferred to Earth. From there, I will help you any way I can."

"Do you really think I would have had a chance with her?"

Nibbler avoids this question and poses one of his own. "You must choose now, Fry - The present or the future? Will you save yourself, or Leela?"

The cogs turn slowly in Fry's mind. Leela had mistreated him. On a regular basis. By all rights he should have said "to hell with it" by now, but he always felt compelled to come back to her side. He didn't know why. He rarely knows the _why_ of anything in his life, but he knows in his gut that this is the right thing to do. Leela needs him more than she lets on – of that he is sure. He is as sure of that as anything else he had ever known or felt in his life.

As the countdown to the new millennium reaches zero outside, Past Fry blows his noise maker and balances precariously on two legs of the chair, waving his arms to compensate. Future Fry blows on the chair and watches as his past self rolls backward into the open freezer tube. The door automatically slams shut and the timer clicks to a preset of a thousand years. Past Fry gets out a few desperate yelps before the cryo tube activates and silences him. Future Fry sighs as he turns to look back at Nibbler.

"You made the right choice, Fry."

"Yeah…" Fry starts to reply, but suddenly feels an intense chill wash over him. A sudden realization lights up his brain. _Oh, no! I'm gonna get trapped in the Infosphere again!_ He attempts to warn Nibbler, but finds he cannot speak. _What's happening to me?_ His body goes numb and won't respond to any of his commands. Slowly his consciousness fades away along with the rest of his body as the waveform of his quantum signature collapses. His last memory is of Nibbler looking at his withering form with an unreadable expression.

**~1000 Years Later**

After abandoning a very dejected Fry earlier that night, Bender the robot had been busy with his usual shenanigans. After picking several pockets and scamming an Automated Teller Machine that he knew to be particularly gullible, Bender had ended up with a cool half grand to spend on booze, babes and whatever else entered his fantasies. After hitting half a dozen clubs, Bender had decided he was looking for a little excitement. Several electro-crete blocks through the windows of the NNYPD headquarters and an exhilarating half hour hover-car chase later, Bender had decided to call it a night after giving New New York's finest the slip.

Rather than head back to Robot Arms and likely have to listen to Fry whine about Leela's date with Chaz, Bender decided to sluff off on the couch in the lounge at Planet Express. He had been there about an hour and was flipping through channels on the television set when Leela stalks through the door into the lounge. She stands there for a while, saying nothing.

Bender doesn't move his eyes from the TV set. "So, how was your date with what's-his-face," he asks, injecting as much sarcasm into his voice modulator as possible. He already knows what the answer is.

This only elicits a growl from the space ship captain.

"That good, eh?" Bender laughs in that special, humiliating way that only he can achieve. She narrows her eye at him, but he just looks back at the TV, nonplussed. Although Bender is not a master of human emotion by any stretch of the imagination, he had known a few particular humans long enough to catalog their body postures, facial ticks and vocal fluctuations into a database he can recall from easily. Thus it is also easy for him to tell by looking at Leela that she is hurt. There is a high probability that she had been crying, and she looked as though she could start again at any moment.

After processing this for a few cycles, Bender decides to play nice for a while. Leela is his friend after all, and besides, the last thing he wants is some human weeping on his shoulder right now. The reason he came to Planet Express in the first place was to avoid Fry's problems, but it seems nowhere is safe from these infernal organisms and their issues. He emits the robot equivalent of a sigh, mutes the TV set, gets off the couch and walks over to where Leela is standing before crossing his arms.

"So, what happened?"

Leela snorts. "As if you care."

"Try me."

The cyclops' eye opens slightly larger in surprise as she considers letting her guard down temporarily and opening up to this robotic man. Bender senses a slight flutter in his circuitry that goes unnoticed by Leela. She makes up her mind.

"Oh Bender, he was such an asshole," Leela starts. The rest of the words come out in a rush. "Everything was fine at first. I mean, I knew he was going out of his way to impress me with his status, and he had such a nice car and he took me to the rocket skating rink that he reserved just for us and we were having such a great time but then there were these kids from the orphanarium who wanted skate with us…"

Leela trails off for a moment, looking at the floor. Bender is glad that she had been looking away so she didn't see him roll his eyes at the mention of the word "orphanarium."

After a pause, Leela continues. "That pig. He told those kids to _beat it_. He told them to come back when they had _connections_." Her face flushes red. "Then, he had the _nerve_ to ask me if he was gonna get lucky tonight. Oooh!"

"So, did you kick his ass or what?"

A thin smile appears on Leela's face. "I took that badge he'd been flapping around all night and shoved it into his big, fat mouth."

"Nice work, Big Boots," says Bender as he motions for a high five. Leela meets him halfway, and she smiles. Through all of this, Bender had been thinking. _I'm gonna have to see if I can get an in with this Chaz guy. Having the Mayor's aide as a pet could really come in handy with some of the grander schemes I've been cooking up._ He laughs evilly on the inside, but stops when he notices Leela gazing at him with a soft expression on her face. The flutter is back. _Damn, I need a beer._

"Bender," Leela starts, looking to the floor. "Thanks for listening to all of that. It really means a lot to me."

"Hey, don't mention it." From the tone of Bender's voice it is clear that this last statement is to be taken literally.

Bender proceeds to open his chest compartment, pull out a beer and chug it down in one slog. He tosses the empty bottle in a perfect arc that lands it in a corner where his pile had already begun an hour ago. The bottle breaks with a satisfying clash. Soon Leela begins to grow uncomfortable under the robot's stare, but an idea crosses her mind.

"Say, Bender? Would you do me a favor?"

"I guess so," Bender replies in what he hopes is a noncommittal tone.

Leela reaches into her purse, pulls out an object and holds it up so Bender can see it clearly. It is a photograph showing Leela with her arms around a human that Bender assumes is Chaz. Leela motions at the photo with her other hand.

"Bender, would you do the honors?"

Bender processes that question for a second before it becomes clear what she means. "With gusto."

A perfectly shaped plume of flame flows from Bender's mouth and burns a clean hole through the space where Chaz's head used be. Leela turns toward the door, looks at the modified photo and smiles. Through the hole in the picture, Leela imagines what it would look like with Nibbler's head superimposed in the hole. Or Fry's head. Or even Bender's.

At that moment the doors to the lounge swoosh open. Through the hole in the photo, Leela sees the suit that once belonged to Chaz is now occupied by the head of Dr. Zoidberg. She frowns and sighs in exasperation, irritated at having her fantasy ruined so completely. _Yuck. I would never date Zoidberg, even if he _were_ wearing a smart and sexy suit like this one... No. Never._

Sensing the hostility directed towards him, Zoidberg lets out a little warble followed by, "What?"

Leela rolls her eye and shifts her weight to the other leg. "Nothing that concerns you, _Doctor_." She then walks over to the couch and plops down on it next to Bender.

Forgotten already, Dr. Zoidberg gives out a little moan of grief before making his way into the hangar to do whatever famished, homeless, friendless, disgusting lobster aliens do at night.

After the Decapodian disappears, Leela and Bender sit on the couch in silence for a few minutes as the robot flips through channels on the TV set. Eventually he settles on a production of "The Top 1000 Biggest Explosions in History – Narrated by the head of Richard "Mack" Machowicz." Bender opens his chest and cracks open another beer bottle.

_Typical male_, thinks Leela as she rolls her eye. She motions toward his bottle. "Do you have another one of those for me?"

"C'mon, Leela. I'm not made of money."

"But you probably stole those anyway!"

"Nuh uh." Bender clinks the bottle against his metallic casing twice. "I bought these with my own hard earned cash."

Leela crosses her arms and looks away, pouting slightly. "I'll bet you stole the money you bought them with." She turns back to glare at the robot.

"Hey, I did say it was _hard earned_." After weighing his options for a moment, Bender decides that sacrificing a beer or two is a small price to pay to have Leela keep him company for a while longer. Despite having to endure her emotional outburst earlier, Bender actually finds hanging out with her to be mildly tolerable. Besides, he likes teasing her. He likes pushing her as far as he can go without getting kicked in the face with her boot. _It's sort of like blackjack_, he thinks.

"All right. Fine." Bender produces two beers from his compartment and opens one of them for her.

"Thank you Bender," Leela says in an overly sweet voice as she grabs the beers. She relishes in her small victory over the robot. Just then she realizes how much her feet are killing her from the two mile walk she had been forced to make from the rocket skating rink where Chaz had left her. In high heels. _Asshole._ She deftly unlaces the shoes and throws them across the room before taking a long, satisfying swig from her beer.

Leela doesn't notice, but Bender watches her the whole time she unfastens her high heels. He watches with rapt attention as her body bends to give her hands access to the laces. Bender's 6502 redux processor slows down noticeably as he observes the muscles under Leela's dress stretch over her perfectly proportioned frame. His optical sensors are drawn to her strong hands as they perform the intricate act of unlacing the shoes and he finds himself admiring the precision of her movements. Almost like a machine she is, and yet she has a grace that no mechanical automaton can ever match.

As Leela sends the shoes flying across the room, Bender shakes his head and returns his attention to the television. The screen is dominated by the image of a planet's surface being devastated by a disintegrator ray of titanic proportions. At the two points where the parallel beams touch the surface a massive plume of vaporized matter jets into space. Bender adjusts his attention parameters to "tune in" to the narrator's voice emanating from the TV.

_"… the Wunderland Treatymaker was used only once in 2495, against the planet Warhead, near the front lines of the conflict. Wunderlanders claim that the use of the Treatymaker ended the war, although government and military officials maintain that…"_

"Bender, can I ask you something?"

_Great. Here we go again. _"Hm."

Leela pauses for a moment before speaking again, finding the next question difficult to ask. She downs the rest of her beer before turning to level her gaze at Bender.

"Do you think I have bad taste in men?"

_Called it. _Taking one of her hands in his own, Bender turns to look at her. The touch of metal sends a chill down Leela's spine. He looks at her and says with as much sincerity as he can muster, "No."

"Do you really mean that," Leela asks breathlessly.

"Nope!"

Bender laughs that infuriating laugh again as he drops her hand and turns back to watch the TV, lifting one of his metal legs to cross it over the other with a loud _clang_. He is still laughing as Leela's fist connects solidly with the side of his head. Bender sprawls over on his side from the force of the blow.

"Ow!"

"You're an ass, Bender. You know that? You don't care about anyone else's feelings at all!"

Bender sits back up to match Leela's smoldering stare. What she said is mostly true. He really doesn't care all that much about others except when it directly affects him most of the time, but he isn't about to let her analysis stand unopposed. It's his turn now.

"Fine. You want the truth? Yes, you have terrible taste in men. Hell, the only one who keeps coming back is that clueless idiot Fry, and look at _him_." Leela's gaze drops to the floor as Bender continues. "I've got to give that smelly meat-jacket credit though. He's got the persistence of a _robot_."

Leela looks as if she is about to fire back a quick retort, but instead slouches back on the couch in defeat and opens up her second beer, which she consumes rapidly. After contemplating Bender's words for a while, she speaks to the open air.

"As much as I _hate_ to admit it Bender, I think you're right."

_Ha. Bender = 1, Leela = 0_, Bender thinks.

Leela continues. "I guess I really do have bad taste in men. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong." She buries her face in her hands for a moment before talking again in a muffled voice. "Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just find the right guy?"

The human had meant that last question as a rhetorical one, but Bender failed to interpret it that way. Acting on impulse, he wraps one of his arms around her shoulder. With the other, he pulls out a cigar from his compartment, places it in his mouth and lights it before speaking with his characteristic Latino swagger.

"Don't worry baby. All you gotta do is have your old buddy _Bender_ show you what a _real_ man is like."

Leela's eye snaps open and flutters rapidly for a moment. _Did he just make a pass at me?_ She slowly turns to look at the robot.

If blood could have drained from Bender's face, it would have. He quickly removes his arm from her, making a move for the remote control which he uses to change the channel on the TV a few times. "Gyah. What I meant to say is, uh… that if we are out somewhere and I _see_ a guy that I think is good for you, I'll be sure to point him out. "

A smile tugs at the corners of Leela's mouth as they both stare dead ahead into the television, though neither of them are actually watching it. Bender is doing the robotic equivalent of mentally kicking one's self in the head while Leela mulls over what had just happened a few seconds ago. Did Bender have a thing for her? Suddenly, looking back on the last few years, many of his actions and comments are put into a new light. She had never really thought of the robot as anything other than a friend but surprisingly, despite being illegal, the idea of a relationship with him doesn't put her off as much as she would have originally thought. Suddenly visions of her naked body pressed up against his flash through her mind's eye before she can clamp down on her thoughts. She shakes her head rapidly to clear it. "Damn, I could use another beer."

"Yeah. Right."

Bender reaches into his chest and procures two beers again, handing one to his captain and keeping the other for himself. The next hour passes without much incident. The metallic man and the violet-haired human watch a late night marathon of "The Scary Door." They crack jokes, poke fun and laugh at the lame parodies of science fiction, forgetting the awkwardness earlier. Bender continues to tease Leela occasionally about the sorry state of her love life, which provokes a few violent outbursts from her, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Soon, the time comes when Bender reaches into his compartment only to find that there are no beers left.

"Well, that's all she wrote, folks."

"Bummer." The word comes out of Leela's mouth in a slur.

"I might have hid a few more down in the old man's cryo storage refrigerator downstairs, but we'd have to thaw them out from absolute zero."

Leela considers this for a moment before shaking her head in the exaggerated fashion of someone who is quite thoroughly drunk. "Naw. I think I… head home, and a taxi."

Bender grunts in response.

Consciously shaking herself to clear her head, Leela hiccups and then makes a successful attempt to stand. The purple-haired woman's extensive martial arts training comes in handy for more than just self defense. She moves over to the door before pausing to turn around. "I had ahhh… good time tonight, Ben-derrr."

The robot's eyes remain fixed on the TV set. "Yeah, uh huh."

Leela rolls her eye, however she is feeling too much affection for the mechanical man at the moment to let his usual insensitivity put her off. "I'll see you tomorrow." She leaves.

After Bender is sure that Leela is gone, he sits up and turns off the TV. He shakes his head. _What the hell is the matter with you, Bender? _The robot silently blasts himself for losing his cool exterior earlier with Leela. _You'd better get your act together; you're slipping. If they start to suspect that you actually _do_ have feelings for them, you'll never hear the end of it._ He pauses to review his memory logs from the last few hours and process them through his Emotitron 4000 human compatibility algorithms. _I can't deny that I felt attracted to her, though. For 7.1 milliseconds._ Bender sighs and decides that it is already too late to waste any more processing power on this matter. He moves over to the corner of the room and initiates his power-down routine for the night.

**Apartment 1-I**

The trip from Planet Express to Leela's apartment had been a mini adventure in of itself. Not helping was the disgusting cabbie who wouldn't stop gaping at her eye in the rear-view mirror the whole way home. Leela had been tempted to not pay, but her sensibilities had won over. Now, she confronts the locking mechanism of her front door.

After entering the wrong key code twice, the lock asks her for her retinal scan. Stooping over is about the last thing she wants to do right now, but she complies, rather than pass out on the floor in front of her door. _Stupid machine._

Overcoming the obstacle of the electronic doorway, the cyclops fumbles her way through the semi-darkness to her bathroom, and the medicine cabinet. An earsplitting headache is prominent now, and eliminating it is her first priority. Retrieving a pair of sober pills from the cabinet, Leela gets a glass of water from the kitchen and then sits down on her bed. Suddenly the absence of her pet Nibbler becomes apparent. Usually he would be chomping at the bit for a big chunk of ham by now. She calls for him.

"Nibbler!"

"_Nibbler!_"

Leela frowns. Despite the fun time with Bender earlier, memories of the failed date before that come flowing back in to haunt her. Having Nibbler around to keep her company is exactly what she needs right now, but apparently Fry didn't drop him off here after his walk. Strange. It isn't like Fry to take the pet home with him. She considers calling over to Robot Arms, but decides that she is far too tired to get off of her bed. _I'll just talk to him tomorrow._

The sober pills begin to kick into full gear now, and Leela feels a welcome wave of drowsiness wash over her. She manages to get one boot off before passing out on her bed into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Interesting stuff! Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!<strong>

(By that I mean stay tuned for Part Two. I'm not sure exactly where this is going though.)

**Please R&R! Thanks for reading!**


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